Our Love.

I kept thinking; What happen to me, or us. Why am I so disturbed by your existence now? Why am I so worked up when I see your texts? Why and more whys in me that kept me dangling somewhere. I hate feeling insecure. I hate.

I took a tour back to my past, reading at the e-diary I kept. I realized that we parted with a valid reason. I am totally sure that I didn't walk out on you due to emotion. I had enough of it.

Reading back at those quarrels we had, now, I am so sure that we no longer have a chance. Call me heartless, or whatever, cause you've shattered my heart to so many pieces that it could no longer love. I was so torn that I find it hard to pick myself back, learning to trust again. But thanks to you, I became so much independent.

I know we ever loved, and I know you still care. But I can't take the inconsistency of your love, much. Are you really concerned? Or you are so busy into labeling me yours that you have forgotten our Love?

Through the posts, walking down with you for over these 3 years look so much like a dream come true to me. But this dream became a nightmare. I gave up my everything for you and yet you tampered it. I lose the trust in you in so many occasions that I no longer believe your love for me. I saw this back in my post;

04th April:

I am surprised by the first thing you say when we meet isnt’ how much you miss me nor to ask me how was work today, and it puzzles me more frequent now. In the past you’d randomly ask about work or we would talk about almost everything… but nowdays, what I’ll hear from you is how much money I spent and how fat and ugly I look.

‘ll always get a negative remark the first thing you see me. Am I really so bad that you have to give those comment? If so, please don’t come back looking for me anymore… You can go ahead and find whatever you liked best outside and leave me alone.

So I guess, your words really torn me apart. I feel so unappreciated and worthless in front of you. I'm so discouraged and demoralized by you that I felt so depressed back then. And I can't believe I actually became soft-hearted and went back coaxing you, asking you not to get angry at me.

FOR WHAT? I felt so dumb at myself now.
I should have given up long ago. But I was so in love with you that I thought I could make a change, trying so hard to save our relationship. But again and again.. it happened. I always thought the problem lies in me. YES in fact, cause I was never the one you are looking for.

So well ... now that things have settled in, I stood back and finally saw the larger picture. I was right to move on. I have no regrets and will never have.

Or maybe there is, which is to trust you too much that I lose myself.